A Mother's pain turned Son hurt
"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27-4
Where it all began.
A Mother can give you all the love in the world but it still doesn't fill the void of a Father. My Mother did her best to give me all I wanted and let me do what I wanted yet that void couldn't be filled. It didn't disappear during my adulthood either it just switched from desiring daddy's love to mans love. Many times I didn't want to admit that it was the desire to have my father around that hurt so bad deep down inside. My Dad didn't come to my games or come to the school when I got in trouble but he did for his Step children who attended school with me at that time. I tried to stay angry with him and talk negatively about him but deep down inside I still wanted to know what it would feel like to have Daddy's love. In relationships love meant pain for me. Love meant compromise if you wanted a man around. Even the "good guys" played games too.
But today I have children of my own. I got pregnant with my oldest son at 16. I had it all planned out. I would never leave my son no matter what. I would work hard to give him all that he wanted and more. I would give him all the love that I never had so he wouldn't know what it felt like to hurt. For a while things were all good. Something happened. Something changed. When his stepdad left for good he was never the same. Neither one of us were ever the same. I was 21 at the time and yes another kid on the way. Now I would be vowing to take care of two boys. Vowed to not put their Dads on child support cause I knew first hand for kids its never about the money. Never leave them and do all I had to keep them satisfied. Single parent and all. Yes single. Seems that guys I dated always had other things going on and I was just another on the list. I tried not to let it get to me. Single parenting was all I knew from my immediate family Mom, grandma, and cousins. No one was married by the time I was born but everyone had children. Everyone had a story to tell as to why they were single. I had my story too. Then I thought well my boys could fill this void they would love me no matter what. I can do this single thing. But it didn't matter cause even when I casually dated I ended up catching some type of feelings and that desire to have a man in my life would linger back in and I would be right back on my quest to fill that void. Then one day I ran. I got tired. I was high. I was hurting. I wanted more. I wanted something different. I met Smooth. Rapper/Manager/Pimp/Boyfriend/BADNEWS! Life was never the same. All those things I said I would never be I became. All those things I said I would never do I did. I couldn't handle it any longer. What my boys needed I couldn't give them. What I needed they couldn't give me. I ran tried to cover the pain I felt. Tried to disguise the embarrassment I felt for falling prey to empty words. I had that F*&^ Love Get Money mentality all of a sudden. Money could fill this void. If I took a few years to stay on my grind my boys wouldn't have to grow up with that same feeling of neglect that I had to experience. Money makes the pain fade away right? Wrong!
Life today
I'm a changed woman. Found my worth in Jesus Christ. Me and my house will serve the Lord. Even made amends with my Dad this past year. "Though my father and mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10
Me and my boys are faithful serving Jesus Christ. Today I got a call from my oldest sons school today his teacher said he's been acting out. My youngest son Dad comes in and out of his life when he wants to but he has his Granddad so he doesn't desire or speak of his Dad much. My oldest son has been acting out as if he's been lacking attention. I sat back and thought about it. How he looks when his brother Dad comes around. How he looks when he sees his brother playing and getting attention from their Grandpa. I saw a vision of me as little girl sitting in her room singing all to herself with a look of sadness on her face. I saw a vision of me at 18 again crying over the rejection of an ex-boyfriend thinking why am I not enough? Why doesn't anybody want me for me? I see the little girl Chanel in my son. As his teacher is talking tears are running down my face. No matter how hard I try to move forward the mistakes of my past forever linger. He will never admit that he desires to be someones favorite. He will never admit that no matter how much love I give him its just not enough. At 7 I would't have admitted it either. Back when I was 7 no one told me about the power of prayer. No one told me about the power of the Blood of Jesus.
I was reading a blog and she discussed "Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37
I realized that now was the time for me to break it down to my son that he's going to have to let go and trust God. It hurts not having your Dad around but you gotta trust the will of our Heavenly Father now.
"Though my father and mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10
It's time that we have that talk that I didn't get since no one looked beyond my acting out in school. It was just "o she's just a kid she'll get over it". But sometimes kids don't get over it and they grow up to be adults who hold on to childhood hurts. Before my son thinks he needs to join a clique or become a bully to get attention we're going to have that talk. . The one about us admit that we are hurt and cry it out. The one about God being all the Father he needs. The one where I let him know he has to forgive not to let us off the hook for our mistakes but to forgive us so that he can move on and be all he can be. It was about a year or more ago he expressed,'' I wished I could die and come back as my brother so that I could have a Dad." I told him about Jesus then but sometimes we need to be reminded. No matter how bad it looks or feels its all going to work out for the good. With or without a Dad he needs to be reminded that he has a Father who loves him more than he could ever imagine.
I pray that when faced with a choice that can effect your entire life that you be wise about the decision. Think about the people around you and how it can effect them if your choice was to go wrong. Think a little harder the next time your faced with temptation to sleep with someone who you know doesn't have your best interest at heart but because your horny your considering. I pray that if a Mother or Father reading this who doesn't take care of their kids will one day make a decision to change that and get on the right track. I pray that if someone is still hurting over a childhood pain that they seek healing and talk to the right person for help. I pray that if you have an issue that you don't cover it up but instead confess it so that you can be healed. Today is the day I realize even more that my choices not only affect me but those around me. In the end I know God is going to turn our situation around but I felt the need to share this with someone who may be going through as well. Its times like this more than ever that you should be leaning on Gods word.
Where it all began.
A Mother can give you all the love in the world but it still doesn't fill the void of a Father. My Mother did her best to give me all I wanted and let me do what I wanted yet that void couldn't be filled. It didn't disappear during my adulthood either it just switched from desiring daddy's love to mans love. Many times I didn't want to admit that it was the desire to have my father around that hurt so bad deep down inside. My Dad didn't come to my games or come to the school when I got in trouble but he did for his Step children who attended school with me at that time. I tried to stay angry with him and talk negatively about him but deep down inside I still wanted to know what it would feel like to have Daddy's love. In relationships love meant pain for me. Love meant compromise if you wanted a man around. Even the "good guys" played games too.
But today I have children of my own. I got pregnant with my oldest son at 16. I had it all planned out. I would never leave my son no matter what. I would work hard to give him all that he wanted and more. I would give him all the love that I never had so he wouldn't know what it felt like to hurt. For a while things were all good. Something happened. Something changed. When his stepdad left for good he was never the same. Neither one of us were ever the same. I was 21 at the time and yes another kid on the way. Now I would be vowing to take care of two boys. Vowed to not put their Dads on child support cause I knew first hand for kids its never about the money. Never leave them and do all I had to keep them satisfied. Single parent and all. Yes single. Seems that guys I dated always had other things going on and I was just another on the list. I tried not to let it get to me. Single parenting was all I knew from my immediate family Mom, grandma, and cousins. No one was married by the time I was born but everyone had children. Everyone had a story to tell as to why they were single. I had my story too. Then I thought well my boys could fill this void they would love me no matter what. I can do this single thing. But it didn't matter cause even when I casually dated I ended up catching some type of feelings and that desire to have a man in my life would linger back in and I would be right back on my quest to fill that void. Then one day I ran. I got tired. I was high. I was hurting. I wanted more. I wanted something different. I met Smooth. Rapper/Manager/Pimp/Boyfriend/BADNEWS! Life was never the same. All those things I said I would never be I became. All those things I said I would never do I did. I couldn't handle it any longer. What my boys needed I couldn't give them. What I needed they couldn't give me. I ran tried to cover the pain I felt. Tried to disguise the embarrassment I felt for falling prey to empty words. I had that F*&^ Love Get Money mentality all of a sudden. Money could fill this void. If I took a few years to stay on my grind my boys wouldn't have to grow up with that same feeling of neglect that I had to experience. Money makes the pain fade away right? Wrong!
Life today
I'm a changed woman. Found my worth in Jesus Christ. Me and my house will serve the Lord. Even made amends with my Dad this past year. "Though my father and mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10
Me and my boys are faithful serving Jesus Christ. Today I got a call from my oldest sons school today his teacher said he's been acting out. My youngest son Dad comes in and out of his life when he wants to but he has his Granddad so he doesn't desire or speak of his Dad much. My oldest son has been acting out as if he's been lacking attention. I sat back and thought about it. How he looks when his brother Dad comes around. How he looks when he sees his brother playing and getting attention from their Grandpa. I saw a vision of me as little girl sitting in her room singing all to herself with a look of sadness on her face. I saw a vision of me at 18 again crying over the rejection of an ex-boyfriend thinking why am I not enough? Why doesn't anybody want me for me? I see the little girl Chanel in my son. As his teacher is talking tears are running down my face. No matter how hard I try to move forward the mistakes of my past forever linger. He will never admit that he desires to be someones favorite. He will never admit that no matter how much love I give him its just not enough. At 7 I would't have admitted it either. Back when I was 7 no one told me about the power of prayer. No one told me about the power of the Blood of Jesus.
I was reading a blog and she discussed "Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37
I realized that now was the time for me to break it down to my son that he's going to have to let go and trust God. It hurts not having your Dad around but you gotta trust the will of our Heavenly Father now.
"Though my father and mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10
It's time that we have that talk that I didn't get since no one looked beyond my acting out in school. It was just "o she's just a kid she'll get over it". But sometimes kids don't get over it and they grow up to be adults who hold on to childhood hurts. Before my son thinks he needs to join a clique or become a bully to get attention we're going to have that talk. . The one about us admit that we are hurt and cry it out. The one about God being all the Father he needs. The one where I let him know he has to forgive not to let us off the hook for our mistakes but to forgive us so that he can move on and be all he can be. It was about a year or more ago he expressed,'' I wished I could die and come back as my brother so that I could have a Dad." I told him about Jesus then but sometimes we need to be reminded. No matter how bad it looks or feels its all going to work out for the good. With or without a Dad he needs to be reminded that he has a Father who loves him more than he could ever imagine.
I pray that when faced with a choice that can effect your entire life that you be wise about the decision. Think about the people around you and how it can effect them if your choice was to go wrong. Think a little harder the next time your faced with temptation to sleep with someone who you know doesn't have your best interest at heart but because your horny your considering. I pray that if a Mother or Father reading this who doesn't take care of their kids will one day make a decision to change that and get on the right track. I pray that if someone is still hurting over a childhood pain that they seek healing and talk to the right person for help. I pray that if you have an issue that you don't cover it up but instead confess it so that you can be healed. Today is the day I realize even more that my choices not only affect me but those around me. In the end I know God is going to turn our situation around but I felt the need to share this with someone who may be going through as well. Its times like this more than ever that you should be leaning on Gods word.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
This is so good and so true! I had the same issues of hurt from my dad, and I find myself placing all these high expectations on my husband about "what a good father does." Watching him be a dad has brought healing, but some of the hurts are still rising up. Man...I wish someone had explained to me too that God is all the Father I ever needed, and that He saw me in my deepest/darkest places and wanted me to run to Him, not boys. wow...keep spittin that truth sis!
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